So in the quest to get the freshest sperm possible we now have our donor coming over to masturbate at our house. When I imagined this I thought it would be super awkward but actually it was pretty okay. I kind of overprepared the first time. I made sure the house looked reasonably clean so that we seemed like the kind of people who you'd want raising a child made out of your sperm. To be clear I didn't full out clean but I did the recycling because for some reason that seemed important. If we're having a baby we should be preserving the planet for generations to come. I also stacked the dishes in an organized way.
The other thing I was worried about was reading material for our donor. We don't keep nudie mags around the house (in fact I had to look up the spelling of "nudie"). The only magazines we have in our bathroom are back issues of Cat Fancy, and unless our donor has very particular taste... they're not sexy. They are a fascinating look into the world of felines, and a great place to find a breeding match for your thoroughbred Maine Coon, but not sexy.
I felt weird about going to buy nudie mags not knowing his particular erotic tastes, but I felt even weirder texting our donor about what kinds of things turn him on. Side note about texting our donor, in my phone it's his name and then for his last name it's Spermy Sperm. It might seem a little dehumanizing but I know a few guys with his name and can you imagine texting the wrong one, "See you in fifteen picked up some nudie mags for you." Or, "Sperm ready? The fresher the better:)" It would be a hard one to explain your way out of that. Spermy Sperm is my safety net.
Back to erotic materials, a friend pointed out something I had forgotten. The internet. All the sexy things are on the internet anyway. I thought about leaving my iPad in the bathroom. Then I thought about all the embarrassing sperm mishaps that might happen with my iPad: sperm on the screen, dropping it into the toilet in a moment of passion, and the list goes on. Juggling an iPad, a mason jar, and his own penis was bound to lead to some minor tragedy. Apparently you can wrap them in saran wrap? I thought about doing that. Like a condom for my iPad.
The other problem was minutes before he was due to arrive I needed to poop. I was like, I can just wait it out. So I waited, but he was running late and then waiting was no longer an option so I had to poop. We only have the one bathroom and no one wants to masturbate in a room that smells like poop so when I was done, I lit a candle. When he came over and looked in the bathroom he was all like, "You lit a candle? For mood?" And I, being someone with a propensity to disclose everything (hence why I am writing a blog about sperm and poop), told him why. It was okay though. He laughed.
The whole thing was totally fine. It was actually less awkward than picking up a brown paper baggie of sperm. It may be the reason that many people opt to have a coffee, beer, or dance with someone before sex. A little chit chat makes the sperm thing easier.