The Timing (Ovulation)

I googled  "cute ovulation" images for this blog and the images weren't cute at all.  Some of them were like something out of a horror story.  I think they were really close up pictures of the cervix.  I am not hating on my cervix but I also won't post those pictures here.  Then I tried "ovulation cartoon" and the first one that came up was this.

I don't get this at all?  Do you get it?  Does it have something to do with tadpoles looking like sperm?  Also why is she a princess with no eyes?  Frog has eyes, but not her.  Anyway, I share it because it is so perplexing and also a frog is going to come up later and I love motifs.

So ovulation is that thing that most female bodies of breeding age do where they release an egg (or sometimes more than one).  That's when the sperm need to do their baby making thing.  It's a big deal for us because Ana and I don't have sperm at our disposal all the time.  We need to be accurate.  If you have a 28 day cycle then ovulation is often around day 14 (counting from the first day of your period).  You want to try to get pregnant in the days leading up to, and including, ovulation.  Spoiler alert: I don't ovulate on day 14 and many women don't.  It's not just the gays that worry about ovulation, most couples trying to get pregnant track it in one, or a few ways.  We do a few different things.

There's an app for that

There are a plethora of apps out there to track when you ovulate (more than 20).  I have two but I only use one.  It's called Clue and I like it because it is pretty and there are no pop up ads.  You can enter a few simple details and track your periods and ovulation.  For the keeners out there, you can also enter more details and track other things related to your cycle like cramps and stuff.  The other one I have is called Ovulation Calculator from Mobile Mom and has pop up ads for online dating services... which is maybe really weird on an app about getting pregnant?  Or maybe really progressive?  Families can look a lot of different ways.  Clue is better looking anyway.

The icon for clue is a virtual iPhone mandala of fertility.

The icon for clue is a virtual iPhone mandala of fertility.

Basal body temperature

Another way to track ovulation is your basal body temperature which is a euphemism for taking your temperature with crust in your eyes, still half asleep, and prior to any caffeine.  To get this basal temperature you're not suppose to have even have sat up in bed.  Right after sleep is the lowest temperature your body is all day, and it is slightly higher when you ovulate.  Straight up, Ana knows about this and not me.  She charted my temperature, I had no idea what was going on but she had an Excel document and everything.  All I was responsible for was putting this guy in my mouth every morning.

This is Charles... this is what he used to look like.

This is Charles... this is what he used to look like.

We called him Charles.  There is no funny story he just looked like a Charles to me.  In the interest of full disclosure Charles no longer looks like this because he got left on the heater next to our bed and he melted into a J-shape.  Ana threw him out.  I nearly wept.  Don't personify thermometers.  Lesson learned.

Ovulation tests

You know how there are pregnancy tests?  There are also ovulation tests.  They are completely identical to pregnancy tests except you buy nine of them at once.  You can take them to check if your math is solid, your app accurate, and Charles' data is reliable.  I love ovulation tests because I have failed every pregnancy test I have ever taken, but I pass ovulation tests every month.  They work the same way too.  One pink line for not ovulating and two for ovulating.  Every double line feels like a mini victory.

The only thing I don't like about ovulation tests is that because they look so much like pregnancy tests I have gotten dirty looks bying them.  I'll set the scene.  I was going to pick up a few things at Kingsgate Mall, the mall that has everything you would ever need: grocery store, drugstore, liquor store.  I had been to the liquor store and bought some beer.  Then I went to the drugstore to get a box of ovulation tests, and like I said, unless you read all the text on the box, they are identical to pregnancy tests.  I am walking through Shoppers with this bag of beer, and box of ovulation tests and I got so many dirty looks. 

This is a dramatic reenactment and not the actual bag of stuff from that day.  The box wasn't open.

This is a dramatic reenactment and not the actual bag of stuff from that day.  The box wasn't open.

I hear people judge a lot of things about pregnant women, what they eat, their physical activity, their birthing choices so I should probably just get used to this.  Anyway ovulation tests are great, and from all these data sources we have determined... I ovulate around day 16 of my cycle.  TA-DA!

So my eggs are a little late to the party but at least they brought beer.