Sperm. So without delving too much into my sex life let's say that sperm and me are not strangers. There has been a bit of sperm in my life. Less sperm than most 30 year old ladies, but some. (Now I am getting really caught up trying to estimate how much sperm has been in most 30 year old ladies lives.) Anyway, thing is about sperm, you have never been up close and personal to it like you are when you transfer it from a little jar, into a syringe, into a person. It is viscous, it smells, and it's gross. It's also miracle making baby batter but it's gross.
You don't get to know the identity of our donor, but you are allowed to know that he is a charming and handsome fellow. He was chosen for his winning attitude and a bunch of other factors that might give away his identity. Unless you're going to ask every handsome guy with a winning attitude in Vancouver if they're the one, you will never know. Another big plus is that he's letting us pay him in beer - and not even expensive beer. We're talking cheap beer.
We pick up the sperm from him at various locations and he hands it over on a brown paper bag. The kind you might put a kid's lunch in. Except you wouldn't because you'd use a reusable lunchbox for your kid's lunch unless you're a total dick to the environment. Anyway, you know the kind. Ana just bought him a 500 pack of these bags but last time he gave me the jar in a White Spot bag. Maybe he wanted to reuse an old bag, maybe he eats a lot of White Spot. Maybe he made 500 paper bag puppets out of the bags we gave him and is already out. We will never know.
Anyway, once we have the sperm we get it inside of me as quickly as possible. This means that sometimes I put it inside me, by myself. I have three jobs, and Ana is a law student, so our schedules don't always allow for her and I to meet up for a sperm date. Ana is more wussy about the smell anyway but if we're in the same place at the same time we do this part together. I am about to get real graphic so if you're related to me you might want to skip this. Okay, so you know how people talk about it being good for a woman to orgasm in order to conceive? The thing I have noticed the most is that it makes a HUGE difference in terms of how much actually stays inside of me. It's an astronomical difference... like the difference between eating something and throwing it up. I warned you, graphic. After it's in me I sit there with my pelvis raised for 20 minutes or so. It's an excuse to play Final Fantasy 4 on my iPad so I like that part. Usually I actually have my pelvis raised for like 40 minutes because I want to finish the dungeon I'm on.
Sperm is hardier than you think. You'll read different things but if you keep it at room temperature or cooler and airtight, it lives maybe as long as eight hours. Don't put it in the fridge. It will die. Don't put it in direct sunlight, it will also die. We try to use it as quickly as we can, but again because of schedules it can't always be immediate. We do this process three times per ovulation. We'll get into ovulation later. Another fun thing I've learned about sperm, it congeals! It becomes a clumpy sort of substance for twenty minutes or so, and then liquifies again. There is a scientific reason for this. Maybe something to do with staying in the vagina? That's not a total guess, I read it on Yahoo questions but I did no more research than that. Anyway, we use it when it reliquifies. This new relationship with sperm is very interesting to me and I find myself talking casually about it at parties and people are put off. I need to remember sperm is not casual dinner conversation, but it's just so fascinating.