The Tools

I have been met with nothing but enthusiasm as I have been telling people about Ana and me trying.  Thank you.  Well, enthusiasm and curiosity.  Never before in my life have people been as curious about what was going on with my lady parts.  This could seem really intrusive but luckily I have never been so happy to talk about what was going on with my vagina.

I'm not going to get way way into it (tee hee... way into my vagina... funny) but I will tell you about the tools that we're using.  So, the title of this blog is a misnomer because there's actually no turkey baster involved.  I think you can use a turkey baster.  I know at least one full grown adult who refers to being a turkey baster baby and she's not prone to false claims.  Clearly I am. 

The thing about turkey basters is that I have an irrational fear of getting air bubbles in my blood stream.  I thought the root of this was the movie Clerks and some girl having sex in a hot tub and dying from an air embolism.

1994-poster-from-clerks.jpg

Seriously, this has been a big thing in my life and the reason I waited an entire extra year in my teens to have sex.  They should teach about embolisms in high school to scare kids into abstinence, because you know what's scarier than gonorrhea?  An air embolism.  After some extensive googling it turns out that the Clerks memory is fictional.  The girl died swimming in the YMCA pool.  It was of an embolism but not because of anything sexy.  Doesn't matter because either way I am way paranoid.  I just can't see how you can effectively get the air out of a turkey baster.  So we're using a syringe, sans needle.

It's a 10 mL so this is smaller than actual size.

It's a 10 mL so this is smaller than actual size.

It's pretty easy to flick it with your fingers and get all the bubbles out... almost all the bubbles.  Honestly I still feel a little nervous about it every time, but I try to remember that people have sex all the time. The world is full of air, and most people survive sex, despite this lethal combination.  It still feels like a miracle when I live though this process though.  Science was never my subject.

The other thing we use is a receptacle to transport sperm.  My bid was for a medical sample containers (like the ones you pee into at the doctor's office).  Ana's bid was for stubby mason jars, which we already owned.

Look how sterile and official looking.

Look how sterile and official looking.

The thing is, try as I might I couldn't think of a reason not to use mason jars.  The main requirements were that the containers were air tight and easy to sterilize, and mason jars were solid on both counts.  My main objection was that mason jars are for jams, pickles, homemade scented candles, and hipsters drinking beer.  They are not for sperm.  In the end mason jars won out.  They really are exceptionally easy to sterilize, and also there was something so satisfying about using a mason jar for something even Pinterest couldn't dream of.  You'll notice the little bows on both the syringe and the jar.  Those are for your benefit.  You're welcome.

Perfect for jam and/or sperm.

Perfect for jam and/or sperm.

That's it.  Those are the tools.  Nothing you can't buy at a medical supply store and wherever you go for your home canning needs.  It's still a lot more tools than most people need, and we haven't even gotten into the transportation of the the sperm, or as I like to call it, The Incredible Journey.